What I Eat

Today I was standing in line at the deli, awaiting my turn. The workers moved slowly behind the counter, verifying the thickness of meat slices, scooping variations of mayonnaise salad into plastic containers. I had a bit of time to think as I mulled my turkey selections: which one would have the most nitrates?; are any of them actually good for me?; wouldn't it be great to eat turkey off the farm at work? Eventually I started thinking about pens and cages and those horrible scenes you see sometimes from movies that we mostly avoid.

As I stood in line, I found myself wanting to write about fresh food, summertime, the fuzzy peach I ate Saturday from the farmers' market, and how I questioned my own food choices as I waited there, and then ignored my own better judgment by ordering a half pound of the healthiest looking turkey they had, taking it home, and eating a tasty little sandwich, with two slices of Muenster cheese, and some delectable dijon. I might have it again for dinner.

People have been giving me a hard time about what I eat for years. There's the "if it doesn't have meat in it, it's not a meal" crowd. You also hear that if you don't eat vegetables every day, you could possibly be a person without a soul or a healthy code of ethics. People feel very passionately about their food. I try to keep a balance in mind - fruit, something fresh, as simple as possible on any given day, and then of course my supplement of something sweet that I know I shouldn't eat, but do.

Dinner? It can be a ton of Triscuits and hummus (last night), toast, homemade jam, orange juice and cereal (Friday night), or a fresh salad with fresh tomatoes and beets, and just enough feta cheese (Saturday).

What do you eat? What would you eat now if someone would prepare it for you? For me, dinner tonight would be grilled fish with lemon and pepper, grilled stone fruit, a salad completely made up of things from the garden (lettuce, tomatoes, beets - with some goat cheese thrown in), and a crisp glass of white wine.

Cancer

It hits us all at some point.  Someone we love gets cancer.  And as we get older, its distance from our reality shrinks.  It's not just an old grandparent, or a friend's mother.  Suddenly we can taste it and feel it and we fear it, and the world is a different color, and you look around wondering whether we're all afraid of it, in the same way you sometimes look around and wonder if someone walking down the street is the love of your life and you'll never even know them.

This happened to me yesterday, which explains why I'm speaking in run-on sentences and grand metaphors.  (note - I don't have a good handle on metaphors).

Mortality is not pretty.  We ignore it most of the time - when we go downhill skiing, changing the song on our ipod while driving, every time we step on an airplane.  We believe in percentages and our own invincibility.  Flying is safer than driving.  Breast cancer is better than pancreatic cancer.  Bullshit.  Bullshit.

My friend was sick.  Thought it was sciatic nerve issues, took painkillers, far too busy to see a doctor.  Months passed.  Eventually she had some relief from her daily duties, and saw a doctor, and for two weeks they unsuccessfully treated the supposed sciatic nerve issue.  No improvement, more tests.

Here's a thought - if the fruit they have to use to demonstrate the size of the tumor contains the word "melon," things are bad.  Watermelon, especially.  And yet that was what they finally found.  A watermelon-sized tumor in the stomach, cancer in the uterus.  Two months later, surgery behind her and 1/3 of the way through chemo, hair falling out, she is optimistic, planning to return to work in the spring.  We'll see.  I feel an impotent frustration, each mile between New England and L.A. feeling long and heavy.

How many times have we heard "she wasn't feeling well, but she ignored it, and by the time they found the cancer, it was too late"?  Don't wait.  Don't let someone you love wait.  Be pushy, obnoxious, and insistent.

It's a tired topic without happy answers.  Or maybe it's a unifier, a reminder that we are all frail and fallible and scared.  On days like this, everything I do and think is done and thought differently.  I see the faces of strangers and wonder what struggles they have, I see the faces of friends and feel a swell of gratitude for their kindness.  And today I send my heart to my friend in California, she who has spent years teaching, listening, guiding, consoling, and giving.  May mercy find you and may your good health return.

Baseball.

Because the two people who might read this hate baseball, and because baseball is a sport tainted by bloated contracts and 'roided longballers, you'd think I'd avoid ending my multi-year blog hiatus with a post about baseball.  But I'm going to anyway.  Hi Hollow Squirrel, hi Anne.  Please keep reading.  


I am fully aware that I over-status-update on FB.  So tonight I thought "maybe those things I want to post about would actually make good blog posts."  Not that most people care that the Tigers picked up Doug Fister, a great pitcher who was languishing with the 14-game-losing-streak Seattle Mariners (maybe he needed to ditch the decaf).  But I am excited about it tonight as he makes his Tigers debut, as the boys from the D sit in first place, three games ahead of the surprising Cleveland Indians.  Nah, neither of you will care about that.


So at the risk of being a total copout, I'll start with a meme, borrowed from Miss H.S.  But I'll keep it short.  

Reading: In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson.  I want this guy's life - golden retrievers, research, writing, a view of the water in Seattle.  

Relieved by: Ting not drowning last Sunday when he went underwater.  At the time I laughed it off, but in retrospect it has really freaked me out, even if I was right there to pick him up.

Looking forward to: my cousin's visit next week to help me paint and visit me.  No one ever visits me.  My sister has visitors coming out of her ears - at least 3 people have come to visit her this summer - old friends who she never sees.  I've had exactly 1 family member come see me in the 5 years I've lived here (not counting Sister), and she was already in NYC for work.  Then again, I'm giving my cousin a free ticket of mine to come see me, so it only counts about half.

Stressing about:  work work work.

Craving: a bag of those Food Should Taste Good multi-grain chips.  I can eat an entire bag in one sitting, so I've told myself I won't eat anymore until my bday in November.

Wanting: A Volkswagen EOS.  Stick.

Proud of myself for:  finishing that damn marathon, even if I have hurt my foot so badly that I might never run another.  Yes, that's messed up.

Wearing: Pink striped JCrew pajama pants and a pink Higgins Lake tshirt.

Addicted to:  Chai.  Daily.

Avoiding: Doing the work I need to get done tonight.  Also avoiding packing.

Suffering from:  Insomnia in a big and debilitating way.

Struggling with:  Same old, same old.

Excited for:  Let's see, this summer I've been to 3 baseball games, a U2 concert, played some great tennis, run a marathon, and gone swimming a lot.  I think I've burned up the excitement candle.

Thinking about:  How long I have to wait to watch The Good Wife premiere.  

Splurging on:  I had to pay for one of the one-ways of my cousins trip to see me next week, because Southwest didn't let me use my free ticket for Saturday travel.  It'll totally be worth it, and is less than I would have spent taking her to dinner here, which I had planned to do and have now decided "nah."